I haven’t been to an the optomologist since I was in grammer school. The eye doctor at the optical store doesn’t count. This was the first time I’ve ever got my eye diliated. It was so strange. Things were a little bit fuzzy, my eyes didn’t really bother me until I got in the sun. Bah! At least this only last for 1-1/2 hours.
Yeah, I know. What the hell is preppy-fied. I look like a freaking JCrew ad right now with my argyle sweater, white button up shirt, khakis and sandals. Run.. while you can. They’re going to get you. Ha ha. Okay, I’m just being extremely silly right now.
I really should not be blogging right now. Nothing would probably make sense. I’m a bit delirious. I think it’s someone way of telling me to slow down. And it seems the only way to get me to take some R&R is get sick. I have come down with a case of bronchitis. And let’s say I’m not a happy camper. I totally despise being sick. My meds aren’t really agreeing with me. The first day of taking my antibiotics, I felt every side effect. Bah hum bug! But finally body is adjusting. I’m feeling a lot better and some sleep.
The worse part about being sick is I miss my friends. This is the first weekend everyone is back from the holiday. And now I have to wait another week before I’m really clear to see them. Bah! This sucks!
There is all this emotion running through my head. It just won’t stop. The pain won’t go away. The tears won’t go away. I tried. I can’t control it. All I can do is to let it stream down my face. There is nothing one can do. What a wretched fool. Happiness does not exist in this world. Just pain. Don’t worry. It’s not like you can take this pain away from me. There is nothing you can do but be an outside observer while you see me suffer. You can not say anything to take this away. You can only watch. And be helpless, as I am helpless to feel.
Drats, my eyes are swollen and nose is clogged. Let me burrow in my hole. Why could I not just be satisfy with just my loving family and friends. To venture out of that circle has only result in pain and my demise. Nothing to say, nothing to do. The only thing to do is wait while this hurt takes it course. Well at least, if I was dying there would be the option of morphine. But this is like going through life with no form of analgesic for this pain. Man, I must sound very melodramatic now. Cut it out! Grumble.
The scary part about life is putting your feelings in the hands of other people. Why! Because, fuck when you do, you have lost control.
Crap, the music I am listening to isn’t helping. Do you know how embarassing it is to watch tears streaming down your face on the train.
I’ve always had that love hate relationship with myself. But most of the time it’s been hate. Seriously, what is all that hype of loving oneself. Lately, I’ve kind of been down in the dumps. I am my own worse critic. Isn’t that part of nature. In past few days, I just felt that my friends have reminded me of what a big screw up I have been recently. Seriously, what are friends for. I would probably do the same. Maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem. Right now, I just feel my life is spinning out of control and I just can’t stop it. Oh screw it.
After two months of silence, I’m back. So where have I been for these past two months. Hmm.. wouldn’t you like to know. Ha ha. Actually, I needed some quiet time. And wasn’t really in the mood to share my private thoughts. Let’s leave it at that. Well that’s all for now.
I got an email from Spring Street Networks, informing me that I was under consideration for publication. So I thought oh cool, I’m going to end up being of those featured profiles online. I went back everyday to check if my profile was featured. They could have been yanking my chain. But then again they did deposit 5 credits into my account. Then low in behold this past Thursday, while I was getting ready for work, I picked up my copy of Time Out. I flipped to the personal section, and discovered I was the Personal Best profile for this week. Instead of being a featured profile online, I was the featured profile in an offline publication. All I could say was Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Then I was going to text someone, but I hadn’t programmed his number into my mobile correctly. Bah! So then I called the next person that would be awake. Ah! I guess I should enjoy my fleeting 15 minutes of fame.
After endless overexertion on my part. I finally crashed and burned. All I want to do right now is to sit on a top of a mound of snow. And I’m going to do that on Sunday. Woo hoo! I’m so mentally and physically drained right now. So I’m going to have some fun wreak havoc down the mountain tomorrow.
I feel so off balance right now. What do I mean? My chi isn’t centered. And I just don’t know why, and how to get it back on kilter. Recently, someone had said to me “silence is golden.” It’s a phrase that I’ve heard many times in my life. But until recently, I realize maybe silence is golden. I don’t mean the idea of silence, but the peacefulness of the soul. All my life, I’ve always been in motion physically and mentally. There has always been some rambling of thoughts through my head. I’ve never taken the time to just stop. It has always been full steam ahead. Maybe that’s my problem.
So much rambling.. so much fear. What do I fear? I have the same fears as everyone else. My biggest fear is failure. The inability to achieve, attain goals, and live up to my potential. If you ask me if I think I am successful. My answer would probably be an astounding no. What have I done with my life. I need to stop comparing my achievements to others. But I can’t help it. It something that my parents have instilled in me so early on. So embedded into my brain. Constantly being measured and compared to my peers. Yes, in a twisted way it has made me stronger and more competitive. But is life a competition.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit lonely. I always knew from an early age I would alone in this world. I mean,what do you expect from an only child. I’ve accepted this fact. And for a bit I have embraced it. I thought you conquered your fear when you accept it. It’s just sad. I think as I see my mother get older and more frail, I get more depressed. I realized, It won’t be long before I’m alone in this world. And am I really ready to accept that. One might say that you’re not really alone in this world. You still have friends and family. But everyone has there own lives to live. This year has been most evident of that. I was unable to send out my massive 100+ holiday cards, and I only a handful of my friends had sent me a holiday card. Why make so much effort, when no one really cares. Let me correct myself, a select few care. For all anyone knows, I could be dead on the street. But no one would know. Because no one really picks up the phone and calls me out of the blue to just say hello. Everyone is too busy with their own lives. We all have our own demons to deal with. And I just haven’t quite found a way to deal with mine. Onward.
As you can see there is no point in arguing with me. Because I can easily psycho analyze myself. Who really needs therapy?
Okay. Just okay. Well not really. My emotions are influx right now. I don’t think I’m really cut out for the harsh realities of the dating and relationship world. As one of my friends would say: “your young, go out there, have some fun and get laid.” But I’m not that impetuous. The act of intimacy is something special. Not an impulse of pure carnal desire.
In all seriousness, I feel that I’m just a kind of person that is dateable, but never good enough to be that special someone. The idea of being a serious relationship doesn’t even register on the radar. I’ve also been a kind of person that depended on myself. It has always been like that my whole life. Depending on other people is just overrated. It only leads to hurt. I can hear it calling me, my pile of blankets with my down comforter. How much I want to just curl up under my blankets and never come out. I have taken some peeks at the world, but I don’t know if I really want to come out. I’m afraid. The safety of my wabbit hole sounds much more comforting, right now.
