Pinch Me

So I started a new job last week. And it’s been pretty hectic because I had to work two events back to back on Monday and Tuesday. But the two major events are finally over. Woo hoo! Seriously, I’m so happy at my job. I like my job, boss, co-worker, and work environment. That’s just so weird. Please pinch me so I know that I’m not exactly dreaming. It just so nice to finally find that right fit. And I really feel like I’m getting myself back on track in regards to my career

Unfortunately, my room looks like a tornado hit it. And I mean that literally.

For the past 4 weeks, I’ve worked on 3 events and gone from a consulting gig to a full time job. In those weeks, caffeine was the only thing that kept me running. Yes, that’s a very scary thought. And when I went shopping this week, I noticed I dropped 2 pant sizes in 3 weeks. That’s just scary.

November 22, 2002 at 2:44 pm · Just Me· Permalink ·

What Does It All Mean

One of my friends called me obnixiously cute today. What the hell is obnoxiously cute. Is it that I’m not really cute at all. Or that the only reason I’m cute is my personality. Bah!!! I feel so insulted. Don’t know why I’m obsessing when I really hate the word cute. What a horrible word. It should translate to ugly yet adorable. I know that totally does not make any sense at all.

November 22, 2002 at 2:43 pm · Rant & Rave· Permalink ·

Birthday Soiree

Ah!! I’m a year older. How old am I? That’s just my little secret. It somewhere in the latter 20s, but not yet 30 either. I had my birthday soiree tonight. And I had such a blast. More or less mix matched all my friends together. Someone gave me some stuff from Shishedo. I was so inebriated I don’t remember who gave it to me. And there was no card. I feel so bad, that I don’t remember. Bah! In the end, I had so much fun. It was one of my best birthday parties.

Let’s do it again next year.

November 14, 2002 at 2:44 pm · Just Me· Permalink ·

Emptiness

I trying so hard to focus. I am very excited to have several projects running right now. But I still feel this emptiness. Why won’t it just go away. Perhaps I’m trying to ignore it, hoping my distractions will just make this feeling go away. Why does this have to linger. All that looms is sadness.

No one freaking cares!

November 11, 2002 at 2:45 pm · Just Me· Permalink ·

T.G.I.F.O

I know what you’re probably thinking. What the hell is T.G.I.F.O.? It’s Thank God It’s Finally Over. This past Thursday, was my last day at my consulting gig. I’ve been working on this conference - trade show for the past 4 months. And it was finally over. Suprisingly it went very well. Then afterwards, we all went to Tonic to grab some dinner and drinks. And everyone got so blasted.

At the end of the night, CA threw me into a car service heading back into Brooklyn. I was one of those inebriated daze, where all you can do is let all your emotions run. But in the end, I still ended up calling comic book boy, in a drunkard stupor. All I could do for 1 hour and 44 minutes, was cry and ramble. I had all these feelings and emotions building up in me. And I was unable to keep it inside me anymore. I was trying to control my feelings and thoughts for the past week, because I needed to be focus on my project. It constant battle keeping my emotions in check. There just so many thoughts going through my head right now.

I have no idea what going on in my life. Just that I’m all confused. And I’m not a very happy person.

November 9, 2002 at 2:47 pm · Rant & Rave· Permalink ·

Election Day

This year, they changed my polling place. So this past Tuesday, I headed down to my old elementary school to cast my vote. It was so bizarre. Of course everything look smaller. And I could have swore the room we use to go in to pick up our food was moved. I know I’m not hallucinating. I hope not.

November 9, 2002 at 2:46 pm · Daily Grind· Permalink ·

All a Facade

I’m so tired of people saying you’re a strong and resilent person. But it’s all a facade. All I want to do right now is curl up in my bed under my down comforters and stay there forever. I feel very light headed. That might have to do with the fact I really haven’t eaten much of anything this weekend. A cloud of lonliness looms in the air. The anniversary of my father’s passing, just brings back those memories. Until, my father past, I soon realized all I had left was my mum. I sort of resigned myself to being alone. I’m just so tired of people saying that I can handle anything. Because I can’t. Once I feel happy, I find everything breaking to pieces. One Christmas, someone gave me a bowl that look like it was cracking all over. That’s how I always feel.

Why can someone else profess their feelings and all it brings is happiness. But whenever I do find myself trusting someone and do profess my own feelings, all I do is get hurt. I’m tired of being strong for everyone else. It’s all a facade. I’m not strong at all.

November 4, 2002 at 2:49 pm · Just Me· Permalink ·

5 Years

It has been about five years since my father has past. My god! About 5 years ago, my parents were worried that I wouldn’t be able to find a job after college. Fast forward 5 years later, the economy is totally shot. When my father has past, I really didn’t feel that I was able to grieve. Someone in the family had to the strong one. I didn’t want anyone to worry about my mum and me. Though inside I was slowly breaking apart.

November 4, 2002 at 2:49 pm · Friends & Family· Permalink ·

Dazed and Confused

I’m feeling really dazed and confused, right now. I know my body feels weak. And I literally can’t think straight. I’m not even sure what I am typing really makes sense at all. Why can’t this empty feeling just go away. This pain just hurts.

It’s this off balance feeling. Even my mum knows that somethingis wrong. But I really don’t feel I can really share how I’m feeling. I guess the best way to describe it is a my emotions are all in turbulence. I’m down on myself, and I feel myself beating myself up physically and emotionally. Yes, it’s the vicious cycle of self deprecation. My appetite has come and gone. And holding my food down has become a challenge. I know I should eat something, but I don’t find myself enjoying what I eat.

November 4, 2002 at 2:48 pm · Just Me· Permalink ·

Burrowing

Well the wabbitz hasn’t been burrowing? But I do feel like burrowing in a hole right now. I have that empty feeling inside me, like blood has been drained out of me. I guess I’m feeling stupid that I left my heart in someone else’s hands. Because it only lends itself to heart ache. But is it perhaps the self fufilling prophecy of the ugly duckling in the pond. Or just being alone for the rest of my life. Which is a fact, I’ve kind of accepted.

Right now, I feel my trust has been betrayed. And trust is something that doesn’t come very easily for me. It’s just a stabbing feeling in my heart. There is so much more I want to say, but my heart and mind is all jumbled up in confusion. I can’t seem to quite articulate how I feel right now. Perhaps, sorrow is the only thing that comes to my mind right now.

That pain stabbing feeling just won’t go away.

November 3, 2002 at 2:51 pm · Just Me· Permalink ·